Ingredient List For A Child

Dear Mother Of A Child I Once Knew And Will Never Know,

In today’s day in age, people think about food so differently than we did even ten years ago. Organic is important, and ingredients mean everything. It used to be just grab it because it’s quick and easy and now the trend is to read every ingredient and know what they are, pronounce them, and where does it come from. Is it environmentally responsible or is it harmful. Will this food cause some unwanted behaviors or worse, disease? We have become a society that has never cared more about “what is in it”!

When it comes to our children, however, separated and divorced parents often forget what it is that makes our children. Parents are forgetting how those children were actually created and they are neglecting to recall the exact ingredients that went into the creation of such a miracle.

For example, the ingredient list for Cassidy and Jacob is the same. They are both made with love but thrown into the mix is fifty percent of Brian and fifty percent of myself. I look at Cassidy and we remind her all the time what she has from myself and what was a gift from her Daddy. Her gorgeous curls were the gift of her father and her nose was from me. Sadly, I gave both of my children terribly sensitive skin. (Sorry about that kids) Brian has gifted Cassidy with a little bit of a hot head and the olive toned skin that tans like a beach model. Jacob was given Brian’s body type and many mannerisms. He was also given my sensitivity, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Both of our kids were given Brian’s sense of humor, (one of the reasons I fell in love with him!). Cassidy has my go go go attitude. Jacob has Brian’s easy going demeanor. The each share part of Brian and part of me.

The ingredients can go on forever, but the point is that they have some from me, and some from him. We made them, together. Love, hate, happy, sad, rain or shine, those kids are made from Brian and I, and will always have half of each of us.

Now for the point!

Given the fact that our children are made from my ingredients and Brian’s ingredients, to say that one of our ingredients was no good, would be to say that our child was no good! Pay attention here, because this is what I think that parents are missing. Just because you no longer love each other, just because you are separated and divorced, DOES NOT CHANGE YOUR CHILD’S INGREDIENTS!!!!!

Hate each other and despise each other, but when that child is concerned, share nothing but good things about each other because what you say about the other ingredient, you are saying about your child. Your hate for even an ounce of that ingredient will make your child feel hated and unloved. They are half of each of you and a whole of perfection, even if you no longer see the perfect in the other. Read this paragraph again if you need, because it couldn’t be more important to any child of separation or divorce.

These 200 blunt words couldn’t speak louder to the situation that someone close to me is going through right now. A mother has turned her child into a possession, a tool to fight with. He is the leverage and the reason to hate. I once met this child. I saw him briefly and only every so often at birthdays and maybe a holiday. Now, I will see this child never. My daughter celebrated her birthday this past week and while the child would normally have been there, I had to explain why not.

Well, the why not lies in one person’s hands. One person who should probably read these words and consider them heavily, but probably never will. That person has turned an innocent child into a pawn in a game that she is playing like a master. Well, guess what Mom of the Year, the prize for winning this game is ruining your child! You may act as though you are caring and loving and looking out for the best interests of your child but actresses belong in Hollywood!

Actually caring and loving and looking out for the best interests of your child means setting aside your dislike for the child’s father and letting that child live in peace. Letting a weed growing on an air conditioner be the reason for concern to leave your child with HIS FATHER, is absolutely unfounded and the exact reason that I believe that you only see this child as a possession. The weeds may stop the air conditioning unit from working and overheat causing a fire, not verbatim, but close, is your excuse this week for a boy of four years old to not see his father? Poison ivy that may or may not be in the yard, ticks that may or may not live in the grass. Give me a break! This isn’t concern, it is controlling. Let alone the reasons that you have created for the two months prior that his father was unfit to see him.

You have managed to keep this boy from his Dad, fifty percent of himself. Way to go! You have sent a clear message that his Dad is too worthless to see his own son. You have sent the message that He is worthless. Fifty percent of him is worthless to you. You only use him to fight his Dad. Do you hope Dad will give up? Do you hope Dad will quit fighting for his own son? I bet that you do and that makes you even worse.

You may never see this letter, and your son may struggle his whole life to figure out why his Dad was so terrible that he couldn’t be a part of his life. His Dad isn’t terrible, and you and I both know this. He may not have been your Mr. Right, he may not have been the perfect husband, the perfect cook, the perfect Dad. He probably wasn’t a great housekeeper, or dish doer, or bed maker, or grass cutter or hedge trimmer. He probably sucked at things, and so did you. He made mistakes and so did you.

At the end of the day, you decided to marry him. You decided to make a child together, and regardless of if the child was planned or not, we all know what happens when adults have sex, so as an adult, there are no surprises, just we weren’t careful enough. You made a fifty/fifty commitment in that child. You both made him from scratch.

Put yourself aside, and actually care about the child that you seem to think you are fighting for. You are stealing his childhood. You are giving him a life without a Dad. You are cheating him of memories and moments that will make him and shape him into the person he is supposed to be, not the person you choose him to be. You are using him to fight someone that you no longer love. Hate is fueling your fight and not the love of your son.

I pray that things work out for this broken family. I pray that this boy sees his Daddy real soon.

I think about Jacob and Cassidy. Brian has a trip for a couple of days planned down the road. He isn’t even gone, we just discussed it tonight and both of them went to bed with tears in their eyes because they will miss him. I couldn’t imagine telling them that they can’t see him for months. They are old enough to know that it hurts. They would feel a loss and so does your son. So Does Your Son!!!

Don’t let this get worse. It is in your hands to show him that not just fifty percent of him is good, but all of him!

Cherise

 

 

 

Christmas Misery

tree

Dear World,

Christmas Day is usually a day that brings joy to so many. It is a day that homes around the world are filled with warmth, love, compassion and hope. It is a day that many of us forget what is going on outside and forget what is wrong with our own lives to cherish all that is good and that is right in this world. It is the day our Savior was born and although not everyone focuses on the religion behind the day, most can not argue the spirit of giving and loving that is embraced by so many.

On this day, December 25, 2013, a person whom I know very well, was also trying to embrace this spirit. With two children by her side, she had hoped for another great day with family. There was some tension in the home, and there were problems, but for just a couple of days maybe they could be overlooked.

You see for months a storm had been brewing that many didn’t see or hear about. Behind closed doors in a home it is hard to know exactly what happens. This family of four was living a secret that very few even heard whispers of. He was verbally abusive to both Mom and the eldest child who was her’s from a previous marriage. The youngest child hung the moon in his eyes and could do no wrong, but Mom and eldest were not much to speak of.

It wasn’t this way always. There was love there and for whatever reason it seemed to have faded over time. It went from happy sometimes to happy almost never. Mom had her share of health problems and spent time in and out of doctors offices and hospitals looking for answers. He would berate the illnesses and accuse her of being crazy because she was always taking ill. Mom tried to work as much as possible and for a while worked two jobs. Working in the evenings and then working over night. The daytime was for watching the children so that he could work. To no avail, this didn’t work for long before she lost jobs for falling asleep and her health continued to worsen.

In the spring of 2013 he had sent hateful messages to her family members warning them to be there for her. She would need family when he was done with her.

He continued the verbal abuse on Mom and soon it began to carry over to the eldest child. He would rip through the child’s belongings and act like a monster scarring the child. It was after the inevitable divorce that the child confessed that he had threatened to do more to the child than just yell.

It was on this Christmas Day, that the eldest was with Mom’s X and that side of the family, when he began pulling apart the bedroom in search of something. When Mom put her hand on his shoulder to stop the madness, it only enraged him further. Mom was scared for her life and decided that it was time to call the police.

When police arrived he was still acting out of control. They seemed to have no time or care to deal with the situation so they told the two of them to work it out or they would both go to jail. Certainly not an option with their youngest child sitting there watching all of this, and certainly not on Christmas.

His family came by for dinner, and the air in the house was icy. Mom could see her breath as they all talked and stared at her as if she had done something wrong. Several comments were made in front of her that were clearly meant to be heard. It was torture but Mom stayed strong for their child sitting at the table. The whole time Mom was sickened to be there.

Once everyone had left, he disappeared upstairs with their child for a while. He got the child a bath and prepared for bed, but seemed to be extra quiet and acting very strange. Later on that evening Mom received and email from him with demands for how they should co-exist in the home for the sake of the youngest child. The eldest, to her previous marriage was not his nor did he care to have anything to do with the child. As far as the email stated they would no longer live as married partners, but rather room mates that share a child.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

The blow to Mom was about all she could take. She slept, or should I say tossed and turned, alone that night and wondered why it had gotten so bad and what she had done wrong.

The very next morning Mom went to work as usual and it wasn’t until lunch time that she received the next big blow. From behind her as she sat at her cubical she heard a deep voice say “Are you ……..?” She turned around and said yes in complete shock. Mom was served a restraining order. She was to stay away from him, the home and the youngest child until further notice.

Mom had gone to work with only the clothes on her back. She was not able to return to the home. The home was her home, purchased by Mom’s grandfather before they were ever married. Mom could not return to her home. Mom could not see one of her children. The eldest child was due to be back to the home in two days. The eldest child could not stay in the home without Mom. Mom had custody of the eldest during the week and every other weekend. Mom’s home was the eldest child’s home. They were both kicked out of their home. Mom was an adult, she would somehow find a way to bounce back. A child doesn’t understand so easily.

I wish that I could say that this story got better after this, but it did not. It has only gotten worse and to this day is still getting worse. Once the hearing finally came about, Mom was awarded her house back within a certain amount of days. He had to vacate, however she was still not able to see her child until yet another custody hearing.

In the meantime, he helped himself to everything in the house. He took everything. A few months prior to Christmas, he had replaced the seal on the toilet that was leaking. When Mom was finally aloud to enter her home, she walked in to the entry way and looked up to a bulging ceiling. The toilet had been leaking once again. Once a plumber came in, it was clear that the seal was removed.

All was taken from the home, including appliances even though they were bought with the house prior to the marriage. He took everything including every light bulb from every socket.  He did leave in the empty cupboard the cake topper from their wedding cake. It stood proud with Mom’s head cut off and laying at his side.

I am telling a story about a monster that has destroyed many lives. I would imagine that you have a pretty good picture of this monster in your mind right now. I would imagine that if you saw this person on the street you would look in wonder at how all of this could have been done. Change your picture.

Change your whole idea of this story.

The monster isn’t a He.

The monster is a She.

This story is actually about a dad that is fighting for his children and his life that was taken by his wife. She has used the system, our system and manipulated it to chew up and swallow this Dad, that actually cares about and loves his children very much. She has destroyed his home, and cost him and his family members thousands upon thousands of dollars in legal fees, house repairs and other expenses to rebuild his life. He never deserved to be punished by her and he still doesn’t.

He has since lost the majority of custody of his eldest. While he was unable to live in his home for so long other arraignments had to be made so the child went back to living with the Mother.

His health has since worsened and he struggles to keep positive. He is fighting what seems to be a loosing battle against this woman that he thought he once knew and loved. She has robbed his home, taken his children from him and left him in a hole of financial ruin that is hard to even see a way out of.

Please, consider helping this Dad out. Help him rebuild his life, and help support his fight that will last for the next thirteen years to see his youngest child. To this date he has gone twenty-seven days without seeing his youngest against the custody agreement. She has been able to withhold visitation because she feels he isn’t a fit Dad, even though the court gave him shared custody. Until the next hearing she will continue to withhold visitation which will be another seventeen days. Imagine missing your child for a day. Imagine missing your child for a week. Imagine missing your child for over a month.

Here is the perspective. If this story were actually as I had written it, and the monster was the Dad, he would be locked up for kidnapping. He would have been punished for robbing the home of belongings that were not his. This story is about a woman, and so our system is set to favor a woman even when the favor isn’t warranted. It is unfair, unjust and simply disgusting!

I have no faith that our system can help this Dad any time soon unless he could afford the kind of attorney that can fight this. That said, he can hardly afford to live with all of the support he pays to her so that she can keep his child away from him. He is left with barely enough to live and one bout of illness is all it takes for him to loose a few days of work and he is now in the hole a little deeper.

Please help this Dad in any way that you can. Help him with a dollar or two or if you are a lawyer and can offer some assistance that would be wonderful as well. Please help him to rebuild his life and begin living again. He has lost so much that he can not get back, lets not let it continue.

Please visit this website and donate what you can to help this Dad start over and help him continue to fight for his child and his life. http://www.youcaring.com/help-a-neighbor/help-a-single-dad/193971

Thank you,

Cherise