Fifteen Years Of Collecting Dust

Dear World,

Ever wonder what it will be like when you finally settle down and have kids? I can distinctly remember wishing and waiting on the traditional milestones, getting married and having kids. I recall the single days and being young and having fun. The days of less responsibility and the days that were centered around myself. Funny as I centered every day around Me, that I was counting the minutes down to add more work, more people, more love, more chaos, more confusion and less Me into my life. I couldn’t wait for those milestones and I had no idea what a difference they would make.

I can be sappy and tell you about the differences that it will make in your heart, but we’ve all read that blog over and over. “There is no love like the love you feel for your children.” Got it! “Marrying your soul mate is living happily ever after.” Yup, Got that too!

Now for something more tangible!

It is a Friday night and I sit here and type. It is peaceful and quiet. I am the only one stirring in the house at this moment. A glass of wine sits beside me on the coffee table and a stiff pillow behind my back and I think about my life fifteen years ago. Wow, seems so far off but as I look around I begin to see the differences and realize the distance that I have traveled in fifteen years; I am surprised by the differences. Here are five changes after marriage and kids.

1. My mantel. First off, fifteen years ago I probably didn’t have a mantle and if I did it only held things like candles or empty liquor or wine bottles in an attempt to glorify an amazing night of over indulging. It was covered in dust and there was nothing hanging above it, that is if I even had a mantle at all. I was carefree and unfettered at the time so remembering a plank of wood sticking out of the wall fifteen years ago seems silly.

Tonight, I look up at my plank of wood and I see pictures from my wedding. A kiss that I would never forget. I see last years school pictures, because I’m slow and haven’t changed them out yet to this years but don’t judge, at least I have them up there. There are jars filled with wine corks and candles in full pinterest form making me feel so crafty. There is dust. Hmmm I guess not much has changed!

2. My couch. Fifteen years ago my couch was a trash dive couch that a country club was tossing. I took it for free and could have cared less that it was pastel striped and god awful ugly. It was free! It usually had a puppy on it, and with that tons of fur. Shortly after said puppy came along the couch was also covered in dental impressions as well.

Tonight,  I sit on a hand me down couch from a friend that I have recovered in full pinterest form. It is comfy and was free so I’m loving it. It is no longer pastel and ugly but it looks like a couch that belongs in a living room with a mantle. It is still covered in fur from when the no longer puppy decides that he should climb up for a sneaky nap. Hmmmm, I guess not much has changed!

3. My coffee table. Way back when, a coffee table could have been anything. Milk crates, Tupperware boxes, an actual table… all of which could have been used for a coffee table. Mine was of the wood variety and it was once again free. Passed along from someone moving and getting rid of shit. I was available to take said free shit. Then, my table was probably covered in crap. It probably had bottle caps, old mail, magazines I would never get to read, dust, and a coaster for decoration.

Tonight my coffee table is covered in almost the same. You’ll be shocked to know that the table was free. Yes, I don’t like paying for furniture and people throw it away when it is still perfectly good so it isn’t Tupperware but it is a hand me down and I love it.  The table is topped with papers from the kids “crafts” which is actually just ripped up paper placed strategically around the house to fuck with me. A center piece of pine cones  and a candle in full pinterest form sits on the table now along with the coasters that are just for decoration. If ever I had a table worthy of an actual coaster I wouldn’t have coasters, I’d just cover that shit in a sheet of glass like old ladies do. Finally, it is covered in dust because I’m lucky I have time to get a shower daily, let alone dust.

4. With the holidays approaching, I realize that fifteen years ago, I had a love for decorating…. on a budget of course! I bought a cheep tree that was short and skinny and some cheep ornaments to cover it. It was small but pretty and by the time I took it down in mid January it was covered in dust.

Tonight, there is no tree in my living room but already the pinterest plans are being made of where to put the tree and how to decorate it for the most magical Christmas ever. That said, I still have the same cheep ornaments and the same cheap tree. There has been additions to the ornaments that the kids have made. Hand prints and foot prints adorn the tree now. They are free to make, but when they all come down in January, they are all still covered in dust. Hmmmm, guess not much has changed!

5. Fifteen years ago, the only reason that I was sitting on the couch playing on the computer by myself on a Friday night was because I was lame. If I were sitting on my couch by myself I was probably feeling like shit for being alone. I was trying to fill my time with meaningful things like reading magazines or painting my nails but really I was lonely and knew that all that I was doing was collecting dust.

Tonight, I sit alone on the couch with a pillow firmly placed behind my lower back because I’m an old lady. I type away and feel anything but lonely. I am overjoyed by the quiet and peace in my house right now.  I cherish every second that I am still alone, thinking in the back of my mind that it is only a matter of time before a kid wakes up and spoils my peace. I enjoy every moment until I have finished my glass of wine that was filled too high and realize that all I have done tonight is collect dust. Hmmmmm, I guess not much has changed after all.

In the end, kids or no kids, hubby or no hubby, we are all just collecting dust. Enjoy it if you can and hopefully you aren’t allergic!






Fortune Telling Pencils? Huh?

Dear Ladies,

All my life I have fought the person that told me I could not. I have argued the reason that could not be argued. I have made sure that no one would ever tell me “no”. In fact, the easiest way to get me to do almost anything is to tell me that I can’t. That’s right, taunt me with the words that I am no longer able or the words that I am not qualified and I will change your world…. Because this girl defies all odds!!!

Back this story up about two months ago. I was on the path of happiness with my family of four. We may have outgrown our house before we ever moved in but we knew that the four of us were a team and that four was the size we would be.

It has been four years since our last was born. Jacob, my ray of sunshine, who just turned four was our agreed last child. We were blessed with a gorgeous girl and then the most perfect little boy so why continue for more. This shop is closed!

For years that is what I believed in my heart. This shop is closed! I have it all! I have one of each and life is as perfect as it is going to get but, there was always the clause in the back of our minds that if we had endless money we would have endless kids. Who were we kidding?… we will never have endless money so… The shop is closed!

Two months ago, I attend a party at which there is this game played with a needle and a pencil. I hate this stuff because it’s like the ouija boards. It’s creepy and you want to believe but it is always skeptical and I almost never buy into this stuff. The magic pencil tells us all how many children we will have and it is so smart that it tells the sex. This damn pencil knows it all and I watch as it is correct on lady after lady.

To answer your questions, I know it is correct because it was done on some women that were more mature in age if you will, and were done having children. The damn pencil was correct for them as well as every other female in the room. It was enough to creep me out and to test it on my own. To which I have several times and always the same outcome.

So for myself, the damn pencil reveled a girl, a boy and then no more children. Yup, that’s the plan. The damn pencil is right! That is exactly what we planned on. Amazing that this stupid pencil and needle can say what we had already planned and knew.

Wait…. did a pencil just say I couldn’t have any more kids?

Now this is where the problem lies. I have done this stupid test over and over again and every time it is the same. I have a girl and then a boy and then done. And I was done! I mean I am done! Like done, done! I gave away every bit of baby anything I could possibly have. I’m done!

But how dare a pencil tell me that I can’t have another. I may be done, but if I wanted another I could, right?

Suddenly this fucking pencil is in my face saying you can’t and as you read in the beginning… no one or nothing tells me that I can’t!

Damn it! So now I’m fighting a pencil… Do I even want another baby? Well first off we don’t even have room for a baby so the idea is down right stupid. Second off, we don’t have room for another baby so the idea is ridiculous. Third, fourth, fifth and sixth off, we just don’t have the space, the money or the time for another baby. Love is about all we have to offer and that would come as a consolation prize to food, shelter and the other necessities that we really don’t have enough of.

Why am I even considering the thought of this anyway when two months ago my shop was closed permanently? There wasn’t a doubt. Even the pencil knew that I had my girl, my boy and done! No doubt….. Until now. Damn you pencil!

I can’t do another baby, I wasn’t even good at it with the two that I have. I suck at being pregnant and I struggle daily at being a good mom. I barely have it figured out after seven years and two months ago this shop was closed. Damn you pencil!

Damn you pencil for making me even question if I should have another only because you say that I can not. Before you ever twisted over my wrist my mind was set and clear and now I feel the need to prove you wrong, because that is what I do. Prove the negative nacny’s wrong!

I still don’t plan on having more kids, although I don’t appreciate that this damn pencil has made me question myself so much. I am done and sure about it, so the only other way that I can prove the pencil wrong is to find someone that it doesn’t work on. Hmmmm…….

I know its a little bit nuts but if I ask to dangle a pencil over your wrist, let me. Let me try to prove a pencil wrong so that I can sleep easy with my two kids and know that my shop is closed. Let me feel peace that this pencil is silly and it doesn’t work and let me find fault in the myth. Let me find fault in it as I dangle it over your wrist because right now, it’s prediction for me, may or may not be correct!

Ha Ha Ha, it is correct…. I’m pretty sure!