I am writing my very first blog to you because out of all the people out there, there must be at least one person who can relate.
This morning I woke up as a failure. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything that is wrong in my life right now. I followed along with my routine for a Sunday and I woke up my kids… scratch that. They woke me up. The mirror is a hard pill to swallow so I will hold off until after I’ve had a cup of coffee. So I stumble downstairs for coffee and clarity… with a 2 year old on my hip and a 5 year old in my ear. “What’s for breakfast?” “Are we going to church?” “Why are we having toast?”
As I continue to hate myself and situation, (by situation I do not mean my kids) I make the gourmet breakfast of yogurt and toast with a side of Flinstone Vitamin and banana. All of this is accompanied by apple juice for the lady and mango juice for the gent. I’ll add pictures next time and start my food blog. Coffee still brewing… I hate my coffee maker almost as much as I hate me now.
Finally, a sip of clarity. Too bad it doesn’t come with peace and quiet.
Toast is for breakfast. Yes we are going to church. And we are having toast because when I make eggs you complain and when I give you cereal you waste it.
I decided that I should look nice for church today to make myself feel better. Nice means I wore jeans but I really jazzed things up with a necklace. I also used some nail polish remover to wipe off the remains of toe nail polish that was still on my big toes from when I painted my nails over a month ago. Now I’m really feeling good!
Off to church we go, just me and the kids. Brian is at work… Although, if he were here he’d be sitting this one out anyway.
For some reason, today’s message that Pastor Morgan gave, was directed to me. It was like I called him last night and told him all of my worries and he made an entire service about me. Wow, I must be important! I really felt better after leaving church today. Some things that I already knew but had forgotten were spoken about and they reminded me of what is important.
I recently left a job because I felt that I had to. I can’t explain it much better than that. I just had a voice inside that told me repeatedly for the past year, that I’m making a mistake. No, the voice wasn’t my mother in law…. She is actually quite supportive of my endeavors. We all have these voices from time to time and we may believe that the voice comes from different places, but either way it’s there. I won’t get into where my voice comes from just yet. Although, if you follow me long enough I’m sure you will figure it out. That said, I don’t discriminate about where your voice comes from.
So I followed my voice and ended up without a job. Yippie! Except that my husband and I bought a house a year ago. It’s our first house and we pay for it with money, so no job is actually pretty crappy. I’ve previously worked in restaurants for many years and it is natural to fall back on this history just to pay the bills. I fill out paperwork tomorrow at a bar/restaurant and will start back at it asap. Once again the voice.
Ya voice, I don’t want to wait tables or pour drinks either but I also worked really hard to finally have a house. I have kids and a husband that rely on me and my idea of a blog sure isn’t paying for the house.
World, thank you for reading my letter. You have no idea how much better it feels to vent to someone that understands. I promise to write again soon and let you know how my story turns out. Until then, thanks for your comments.