Saying Goodbye

photo (13)

Dear God,

I’d say that 2015 had proved to be an incredible character building year so far for the Scott family, my family.I’m not sure if I should thank you, or not. ¬†Only ten days after ushering in the new year, we were blessed with an out with the old and in with the new, attitude. It was not an attitude that we chose or necessarily would have wanted but it’s all in your hands. My family’s home burning to the ground has given us many things. Things that we never wanted, never asked for, and never expected. That said…. you are the boss.

I’d like to say that the 2015 is shaping up or getting better, but it isn’t. Instead it seems to be getting worse. So I wonder if there was a lesson that we may have missed. I know that all things happen for a reason, your reason, and I am patiently waiting on my next move.

I can honestly say that in my thirty-six years of life, that this is by far the worst year yet. I don’t even want to consider what could make it worse, because I fear that it could happen still. I honestly hope that twenty years from now, I will look back on this year and think that it was all downhill from here.

I still have to wonder though, what is the lesson that needs to be learned. Is it a lesson for me or for one of my family members? Is it a lesson that all of us need to learn? Are we an example and therefor a lesson for all to learn?

I’ve thought about those questions since January 10. 2015. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what we need to get out of this. I am aware that you don’t have to share with us your great wisdom, but I have thought non stop about the lesson. Oh there is one, and we clearly haven’t gotten it yet. Whatever you have been trying to teach my family since we have lived on McNeilly road, has simply never set in.

We have had a history of disaster and heartache that has stirred our lives for the better part of the thirty plus years that my family has lived at 139. One Three Nine no longer exists and it will no longer, but I wonder if this was just the last straw.

Growing up there, we experienced so many opportunities to run. We experienced so many signs that would have pointed us elsewhere and yet we stayed. We stayed strong and together. We never changed our course. We never changed our actions.

We had our home flooded more times that I care to count, part of the reason I am sure that 139 will no longer exist.

I have watched my sister’s car swallowed by a water main break that literally ate her car. The front of our yard ended up in the back along with her car.

I remember a storm so bad that the water rushed into my Dad’s garage and was washing the bottom of it away. With a neighbors help, I drove my Dad’s car out of the garage that was about to collapse on itself. This was back in the days of the “Club”, which was on the car and I still managed to save it.

I remember putting plastic bags on our feet and dumping buckets out of our basement that had flooded with sewage. Buckets filled with poop from who knows where in our finished basement. We spent the night dumping buckets as fast as they would fill just to minimize the damage.

We had a pipe burst in our bathroom upstairs that flooded our house all day while we were away, on the the last day of school conveniently. Our entire summer was spent living in an extended living home while our house was fixed….

Then the person that was fixing our home robbed us of everything that we owned.

What was the lesson? What were you trying to teach us?

Out of all of that crap, I didn’t even add all the times that I’ve almost said goodbye to my Dad, or the time that police knocked on my door because something was wrong with my brother. I didn’t mention the physical heartache from the ones that I love that were in pain or dying right in front of me. I’ve been through a lot… and so I wonder, what have I missed?

I want to get it right now. I want to know the answer before the sun rises so that I don’t have to spend another day like this.

I want to get your message and as I write this, I wonder if that is part of the problem. I get it. I have the message, but someone else does not.

I know that in my near future, I will be saying goodbye to many things. I will say goodbye to the entire place that I grew up. I will say goodbye to McNeilly Road forever. I will say goodbye to the traditions and memories that once lived there. I will also say goodbye to the pain. I will say goodbye to some of the relationships that have been torn in recent days. I will say goodbye to it all.

Tomorrow, I pray that I wake with the strength to move forward. I know what demons have followed our family for my entire life and tomorrow I pray that I have the strength to stand up against them. I pray that your lesson, your message, finally be heard and that my family may hear it. Be with us tomorrow, as I know you are always.

Love,

Cherise

 

 

 

Overindulging In The Buffet Of Life

Dear God,

Well, once again you were right. Thank you for the lessons that I have learned in the past couple of days. It seems that you noticed how busy a month that September has been and you have made the provisions, once again, for me to slow down. It is always easy to look in the rear view mirror and see that perhaps I have taken on too much. The trouble for me, is noticing this when I’m in the moment.

A few days ago you decided to bless me with an intensely painful back spasm. I have never experienced anything like this and it came so all of a sudden that I literally froze for several minutes hoping that the pain would pass. It did not. Instead, I could barely move or walk for the next two days. The pain I compare to that of labor, as I felt certain that I have never been in as much pain. At least with labor an epidural is offered. For this injury, only a ton of ibuprofen, steroids and muscle relaxers.

While I am feeling better today, and returning to work, it has brought to light once more, that I need to take a break every now and then. I can not continue to fill my plate at the buffet of life. I need to sit down and enjoy the few things that are on my plate in moderation. Anything else would be glutinous.

I try to see the positive in most situations so this is no different. I am writing today in thanks for the couple of days off. I suppose I wouldn’t have taken them otherwise. I am also thankful for the opportunity to see how much Brian truly cares about me.

He came home from work on Thursday to me hunched over and shaking with pain. Usually, I don’t let sickness or pain keep me from doing what I do best…. everything. It doesn’t usually matter what is ailing me, I am always up for more. My list of things to do never gets smaller. This time, I couldn’t move so I’d say it was pretty limiting on my list.

Brian picked up all of the slack and at one point when I thanked him for all of his help, he said “I’m not doing anything that you wouldn’t do for me.” That really made my day. Not only did he realize how much I help him when he is hurt of sick, but he was a tremendous support for me. How lucky am I!

I powered through the past couple of days and at first I was terribly upset at the money lost from not working. It seems that every time I have a chance to get ahead, life steps in and pushes me back a couple feet. This was no different. Each shift that I work is necessary to pay a bill and missing even one shift is debilitating. I had already missed a shift earlier in the week because Cassidy wasn’t feeling well, so this really hurt, but you already know that.

Thank you for reminding me that money isn’t everything. It isn’t more important than my health and well ¬†being. Thank you for the kick in the back that was able to remind me of what my priorities actually are. I may need to work to pay bills and live the life that I want, but it should never rule the life that I am living. I think that I was forgetting that.

It is your little reminders that bring me back to reality and help me to focus on what life is really about. You sent me one of your most amazing reminders about three years ago. You dislocated my knee giving me a three month break from life. Jacob was just born and I had returned to work after only ten days… Once again money ruling my life. I guess you had to put your foot down and prove a point. My injury enabled me to spend precious time with my new baby that I would have otherwise missed.

I do hate to be told that I am wrong, but I guess you do have a point. You must watch over me and wonder why I push myself so hard. I don’t have an answer for that. I guess it is just how you made me. It must be hard for you to watch me get carried away with life and so I guess that is why you send me these reminders.

Once again, my eyes have been opened and I will try to see clearly all of the things that are important. I will try not to over fill my plate and I will try to savor the things that I choose to put on it. I know this is a lesson that you keep trying to teach me, and I pray that this time I have got it figured out. Sadly, I’m sure you know me well enough to know, that I probably do not have it figured out.

I will try my best to stay on course but if I do stray again, I look forward to being reminded once more. Thank you for your help, thank you for your mercy and thank you for your forgiveness of my shortcomings!

Love, Cherise